I don't know how many of my scattered readers follow any specific religious doctrines or have any type or spiritual beliefs, but a thought ran through my mind as I was reading the blog of a friend. This friend has just gone through a spiritual transformation but still clings to a lot of old beliefs any practices. Reading his weblog reminded me of one of the catch phrases that was used in my church and with my friends when I was a regular church-goer.

   Growing up in a Southern Baptist minister's family, I was exposed to nearly every doctrinal practice, phrase, set of beliefs in that denomination. One phrase that I heard countless times was the saying that "Christ filled a void in my soul that nothing else could". This phrase bothered me when I was younger, but I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why. Now that I'm older and more spiritually mature, the reason is clearer. I'd "accepted Christ" at a very early age, even for a miister's child- three and a half. My mother used to say I was like John the Baptist kicking in the womb. For those of you who don't know the story, she just meant that I was spiritually aware, or in touch with God, practically from the time I was concieved. I could barely remember a time when I wasn't a "born again" christian and had no idea what people were talking about when they mentioned a "void" that God filled. I'd never had a chance to experience the said void, and wouldn't according to the church and my family because I'd already been "saved". I was already questioning and challenging some of the concepts of Christianity and this just added to my suspiscions.

   It wasn't until after after my parents were divorced and my dad was with someone else that I began to understand what that void was. I'd been living with it for some time. It had nothing to do with a hole that only God could fill, but everything to do with the fact that I wasn't happy with myself. It's something I've seen in so many people and most don't even realize it's there. For me the "void" didn't fill until I was able to accept myself for who I was and love myself anyway.

   What many people don't understand about voids is that they're a lot like wounds. You try to stuff them with something to make it feel like they're not there: drugs, alchohal, food, work, TV, anythinig to get your mind off of it. But all you end up getting is and infection. Filling a void with religion isn't much better because even then you aren't forgiving yourself. Instead of accepting yourself for who and what you are, you cry about how horrible you are, unworthy of God's grace, using self-loathing as a filler. Even worse, there are hundreds of people around you saying how awful they are- maybe you don't have to feel so horrible about being such a bad person. You put a patch on the hole claiming that Christ's blood will make up for the your lack of self-acceptance. But when you lay in bed at night, that heart ache is still there, despite that show you put on.

   Love yourself for who you are. God didn't put millions of people on this earth to be sent to the firey depths for being just as he created them. God doesn't throw one of his children in the oven because they have a different relationship with him than their brother or sister. Find your bliss, the thing that fills the void and seals it shut. Find what you believe in your heart of hearts, but also know that what you find may not be what everyone else finds. You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are human. Let yourself be loved so you can love others. Be all that you can be and more, then see God's smiling face shining down saying, "You've done it, my child. "