I tried too hard to convince myself that Alan was the love of my life. That we were meant to be forever. But in my heart I knew it wasn't true. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was trying to cover up my love for another, because that love hurt too much to bear. I knew I was still in love with someone else when we first started going out. But subconsiouly I was trying to make myself forget that by trying to fall in love with someone else.

      And for a while, it worked. I was involved in this infatuaion with Alan. I was sure in my mind that I truely loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. How stupid this sounds to me now! I'm only sixteen. I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life yet. I want to live my life first!

     But it failed. Eventually, the truth in my heart came through after all the veils that had covered it were wiped aside. I realized I still was in love with someone else, someone who had been my best friend through the hardest of times. It scared me at first. I didn't want to admit it to myself. I lied to myself and said it was only because things hadn't been going the greatest between Alan and I. But I couldn't deny it for long. And it started to eat at me inside. But nothing had changed from before I started dating Alan. He was across the country. I couldn't see him or be with him. Of course, I'd still been talking to him over the phone on a regular basis. He always made me laugh. Whenenver we talk to each other, it's like no time has ever passed between us. Except for the fact that we both say how much we miss the other.  But there's always something to talk about, something to make the other laugh.

     I know I'm still in love with Adam. And I've come to terms with that now. But I know, for now at least, we cannot be because of the distance between us. As far as I know, he doesn't have those kinds of feelings for me. But I won't continue to pretend that I all of the sudden stopped loving him. Because I didn't. I still love him. And even if it changes, I always will.

     Laurl/en